Relinquish-Envisage
A semester has passed, and despite the battling, the striving and the bargaining, i found myself contorted, aggrieved and injured. I do have a dream. But looking at my situation now, i realized that I was not really happy with what is going on. The "best" that i gave maybe wasn't the "best" that I can give. I drift away as I look forward to my destination. All I can see is a thick, dark cloud ahead of me, where everyone else hold torches, shields and sails onward with smiles on their faces. Everyone else, but me. Still I couldn't seem to be in tune with everything in school. I have tried techniques, asked for advices, stayed up all night, but everything for me is of no use. I can hear my brain screaming out on me, like it seemed I was already abusing it. And no matter how hard I shove every info in it, it keeps on reappearing like a bulimic patient trying to purge the content of his stomach, or putting water in a tank with a giant hole at the bottom.
It has been weeks of sadness, already. I am weary. I seek for what I lack. What is it that I do not have? Am I too dumb of a person to be in Medschool? I try to shake off the whispers that creeps on my shoulder, telling me that I'm a failure. About what other people might say about this, especially those who do not know me at all. The whispers that say I am a good for nothing person. Then, I think. Is this really for me?
One time during our lecture in Biochemistry, my mind just cries out asking myself, "What have I gotten myself into? Am I just punishing myself? But for what reason?" And then again I try to focus on my childhood dream. To be a physician. I try to picture myself, treating patients, being the best there is. Then again, I asked myself, "What do I really want in my life? Do I really want this?". My mind just wandered uncontrollably and suddenly I realized, this is not what I want. I entered this with my eyes closed. I feel the cold chill down my spine. I then think of my parents, my family, and those people who expected a lot from me.
I then realize, I am in crisis. I think of my future. What will happen if I quit? What other plans do I have? As of this time, everything is still vague. I haven't talked to my parents yet. Sometimes I find myself, leaning for a while in the corner of the wall of my pad, or stare blankly as my classmates notice, or wake up really early in the morning just to stare outside my window and watch the sun rise as my thoughts run deep.
If I assess myself, I still have interest on the study of the human body. It is such a wonder how perfect the human anatomy is. God truly is magnificent, and our mind can never comprehend the greatness of His power. I love to learn about this creation. But the demands are not anymore healthy for me. I lose my appetite, I stress myself too much to the point that I get sick and not eat the entire day. I try to have fun sometimes but at the end of the day, I am still chased by the thoughts that I keep on ignoring the whole day. I am slipping away, and i have the fear of losing my sanity.
What do I really want to do? I want to create, not memorize. Explore, not look at the past. Discover, but not what others have discovered. I am an artist, I love the arts. I still breathe music. I want to create, my mind to be free to play with colours I love to cook, bake and create. I love to travel, not to confine myself in the four corners of medicine. I love to meet people, and know the diversity of man. I am already a nurse, a parcel of my dream to be a part of the medical team. Maybe God has other plans for me.
I know God is with me in every step of the way. I know that there is a reason for everything, and that God has a plan for me.
Relinquish? I'll pray for it hard, and talk to mom and dad.
It has been weeks of sadness, already. I am weary. I seek for what I lack. What is it that I do not have? Am I too dumb of a person to be in Medschool? I try to shake off the whispers that creeps on my shoulder, telling me that I'm a failure. About what other people might say about this, especially those who do not know me at all. The whispers that say I am a good for nothing person. Then, I think. Is this really for me?
One time during our lecture in Biochemistry, my mind just cries out asking myself, "What have I gotten myself into? Am I just punishing myself? But for what reason?" And then again I try to focus on my childhood dream. To be a physician. I try to picture myself, treating patients, being the best there is. Then again, I asked myself, "What do I really want in my life? Do I really want this?". My mind just wandered uncontrollably and suddenly I realized, this is not what I want. I entered this with my eyes closed. I feel the cold chill down my spine. I then think of my parents, my family, and those people who expected a lot from me.
I then realize, I am in crisis. I think of my future. What will happen if I quit? What other plans do I have? As of this time, everything is still vague. I haven't talked to my parents yet. Sometimes I find myself, leaning for a while in the corner of the wall of my pad, or stare blankly as my classmates notice, or wake up really early in the morning just to stare outside my window and watch the sun rise as my thoughts run deep.
If I assess myself, I still have interest on the study of the human body. It is such a wonder how perfect the human anatomy is. God truly is magnificent, and our mind can never comprehend the greatness of His power. I love to learn about this creation. But the demands are not anymore healthy for me. I lose my appetite, I stress myself too much to the point that I get sick and not eat the entire day. I try to have fun sometimes but at the end of the day, I am still chased by the thoughts that I keep on ignoring the whole day. I am slipping away, and i have the fear of losing my sanity.
What do I really want to do? I want to create, not memorize. Explore, not look at the past. Discover, but not what others have discovered. I am an artist, I love the arts. I still breathe music. I want to create, my mind to be free to play with colours I love to cook, bake and create. I love to travel, not to confine myself in the four corners of medicine. I love to meet people, and know the diversity of man. I am already a nurse, a parcel of my dream to be a part of the medical team. Maybe God has other plans for me.
I know God is with me in every step of the way. I know that there is a reason for everything, and that God has a plan for me.
Relinquish? I'll pray for it hard, and talk to mom and dad.
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